Information About Domestic Violence

Domestic violence in a relationship is usually seen more clearly by those on the outside of a relationship then those involved.  The person who is being abused may not believe there is any way out of the relationship or even aware that they are victims.  There are many people who believe that domestic abuse is totally physical but this is not true.  As a therapist, I will tell you that often times (NOT always) mental abuse can be even worse than physical abuse.

Whatever form of domestic violence is taking place within a relationship, it starts with the abusive partner doing things such as belittling, criticizing, hitting, pushing, or intimidating and then later on apologize saying they will never do that again.  If you are the victim, you must decide if this was a one time only incident or a situation you are living over and over.  If it’s the latter,  at some point you must see the pattern and realize this is never going to change and must make a decision for your own safety.  I would say that if it was a physical event that took place, that it is impossible for you to truly fully trust again.  Often one physical event is enough to shift the power to the abuser and you know that the potential is there, so you don’t ever feel safe truly being you.

Even if it was a one time only incident, you must let your spouse know that it is non-acceptable behavior that has left you emotionally and physically unsettled.  If you don’t say something about this kind of behavior, it could leave your spouse believing they can say and do anything they want because you won’t do anything about it.  If, on the other hand, you are afraid to even broach the subject, you are in a very unhealthy place and it must be dealt with it quickly.

Signs Of Abuse:

Physical abuse often can be pretty obvious with bruises, black eyes and/or broken bones. Mental abuse is not as detectable to the average eye.  Does your partner tear you down about everything you say and do? Does your partner subtly insult your looks, say negative things about your cooking or what you are wearing?  Do they insult you at the sheer notion that you want to go back to school or start a career?  Are you isolated from family and friends?  If you can relate to these issues and possibly many others, you are in a domestically violent relationship.

Getting Help:

If you feel you have no place to turn, get with a therapist and do it on your own.  A therapist can determine the level of safety within the relationship and whether your relationship can be fixed or not.  If you are determined to make your relationship work, and individual therapist can help you determine if a couples therapist will even see you both.  Understand, if the therapist firmly believes you are in grave danger, he or she, ethically, will not see both of you together.  The therapist will suggest you both go to separate counseling until it can be determined if there is a safe and effective outcome for the relationship.  It is not healthy or safe for you to let your guard down and talk about your feelings in therapy just to later pay the price when you get home.

If you need to reach out but are afraid your partner will find out, use a phone at work, a pay phone or a friend’s phone and contact a therapist. Domestic violence hotlines are usually toll free, but even if they are not, they often accept collect calls.

Keep in mind, the majority of domestic abuse situations do not end well.   Victims of physical abuse run a very strong risk of losing their lives.  Mentally abused victims will fall into a total lack of self-respect, start believing they are not worth any value whatsoever and in some cases will commit suicide.

If you are in a violent relationship, you need to take care of you and get out of the relationship which may end up involving the help of authorities, family and friends.  Reach out to groups that deal with abused spouses and the children of abused spouses.  You are not alone, you do not need to be alone and there are people who will help you.