Despite your best intentions, there are always going to be negative people who come into your life at one point or another. The sooner you can rid yourself of that negativity the better (which does not always mean cutting someone out of your life), as allowing someone like that to stay in your life can mean that you risked being tainted by their toxicity. In the case of a friend or acquaintance, the task of setting boundaries and/or getting them out of your life can be relatively easy, but what about when that negative person is someone in your close family. Cutting family ties, especially with just one person, can be extremely tough.
We all tend to think of family as being a bond that we cannot break, but if someone in your family is abusive, constantly taking you for granted and/or is generally treating you poorly, you need to think about making the decision to set boundaries and/or sever ties with that person. It’s something that is easy to say, but certainly not a task that is quite so easy to put into effect. There are some steps that you can take to prepare for calling it quits with a family member, including planning how to actually tell them.
The first thing that you need to do is think about whether you really want to cut the family member in question out of your life. Are you making this decision based on a single incident that may be more overblown than it really was, or are you doing so because you have had an ongoing negative relationship? Have you spoken to family/friends who have seen the interactions between you and this person so that you can get a more objective perspective? Did you have an active role in the fracturing of the relationship, or was it a one-sided affair where you bore the brunt of the negativity? At the end of the day, if the relationship is causing you stress and anxiety, you need to deal with it.
The second thing that you need to think about is: “have I had to cut other people out of my life or is this the only person”. The reason I say this is that there are people out there who aren’t great at setting loving and firm boundaries so they end up being a doormat for people. They get sick of being a doormat so then they cut people out of their lives over and over instead of learning to set those boundaries. In these situations, I would encourage you to seek out a therapist who can help you to set boundaries so that you can decide if the toxic person in your life needs to be spoken with or needs to be cut out.
If you do want to set firm and loving boundaries and keep the person in your life:
If you are thinking of cutting of the relationship anyways, then there may be little risk in setting boundaries because you really have nothing to lose (unless it is an abusive person). Think about what you need and try talking to the person about it without completely blaming them. People tend to hear the message better when they aren’t feeling attacked. If you are frustrated that they are always in control of your relationship (e.g. deciding on the activities you do), then talk to them about that. Ask them to participate in an activity and if they decline, then the next time they bring up an activity talk to them about it (e.g., “I sometimes feel that whenever we go out we have to do what you want to do and I would like to be able to choose our outings ½ of the time). A therapist can help guide you on how to set boundaries.
If you do decide to cut off the relationship:
First figure out if you are going to write a letter, talk face to face, or talk on the phone. There are pros and cons to each one. Regardless of the method, get straight to the point and try to keep the message as quick and succinct as possible. The family member in question may react in several different ways, from confusion and hurt all the way up to outright anger and disgust. If it’s the former, they may want a longer, deeper discussion, at which point you will need to decide whether you want to take that step.
If the family member expresses regret and apologizes, you might well decide to take the step to seek therapy together to work through the issues that have built up over time. If they become angry and accusatory, your best bet is to cut the meeting short and let them know that the discussion is over.
I have mentioned therapy several times in this blog post because I see people go through life spinning in circles because they don’t know how to talk with people about their needs and how set boundaries. I see so many more people experience happiness who able to “spit it out” and be honest with other people about their needs. This takes time and it helps to learn techniques in therapy so that you can “keep your side of the street clean”.