How can I support my child who I think is transgender but hasn’t come out to me yet? Written by a LGBTQI therapist in Long Beach.

Supporting your child is one of the most important parts of being a parent. Whether it’s their goals, their daily drama, or the very essence of who they are, children and teens flourish when they know their parents have their back. This holds especially true for when a child comes out as transgender.

Transgender kids who have supportive parents are much less likely to attempt suicide, end up homeless, or suffer from anxiety and depression. Love and support can truly make a world of difference.

But how can you show support when your child hasn’t explicitly told you they’re trans? Maybe you overheard them talking to their friends about it. Maybe your trans son left the web browser open to binders, or your son/daughter was researching surgeries. Maybe they prefer clothing designed for the gender opposite the one they were assigned. Or maybe you simply have a strong suspicion.

One of the most important things is to remember you might be wrong. There’s a second story to everything; maybe they were talking about someone else with their friends. Maybe they’re doing research for a friend, or a school paper. Maybe they’re simply curious. Maybe they are cisgender, but simply don’t care about gender norms. Or maybe they’re actually nonbinary.

But even though you can’t be sure, there’s nothing wrong with being open to it, and providing a safe environment for them to come out should they desire to do so.

One of the easiest things you can do for your child is react positively every time trans and LGBTQI issues are brought up. While it’s best not to bring up the subject too often – everyone knows the scene in every coming out movie ever, where they parent tries to hint heavily that they know, and only succeed in making things awkward and heavy for everyone – but when something comes up in the news, or in a conversation, show your support in small ways. When a detrimental law is brought up on the evening news, share your disgust; when a protest happens, show your support. You can even suggest participating in any local ones that may pop up.

And when a celebrity or public figure comes out a trans, do your best to use the right name and pronouns for them. Making an effort for a total stranger will go far in showing your child that you’ll make that same effort for them.

Another quick change you can do is to give your kid a gender-neutral nickname, or one that leans towards the gender they likely identify with, especially if their name isn’t already considered neutral. Nicole can become Cole; James can be Jaime. And if their name doesn’t warrant a neutral nickname, there are a million nicknames to choose from that aren’t born from their original name at all. Calling your trans son “sport” with a teasing smile a few times until it simply becomes the normal way to address them can do a lot to fight any dysphoria they may be feeling, as well as show that you’re open to their identity.

Gender neutral names can also pave the way for other gender-neutral language. For example, when introducing your child to a friend, call them your kid, rather than your son or daughter. Even when they haven’t confirmed or denied their gender to your face, you can still help take the burden of being outright off their shoulders.

Along with names and language, appearance is a big thing for transgender people. A trans boy being forced to wear a dress might feel extreme depression or anxiety; a trans girl stuck with short hair might feel stressed or even ashamed. Show your child that you’re open to them wearing clothing typically designed for the gender opposite the one they were assigned at birth. You can point out a men’s hoodie with a design he might like to your trans son, or buy your trans daughter a sweater from the women’s section as a gift and mention something along the lines of, “it was in the women’s section, but I thought it fit your style, I kept the receipt in case you didn’t like it.” And when you go to get haircuts, pass them books of styles for both men and women and let them choose, or find androgynous styles; after all, men with long hair and girls with pixie cuts are far from rare.

And finally, do your research. If your child knows you’re knowledgeable about the issue, they’ll feel more comfortable talking about it. Coming out is hard enough without having to explain all the terms you use. Plus, the more knowledge you have at your back, the better prepared you’ll be for helping them if and when they do eventually come out. And if it turns out that you were wrong, and they never do? Well, there’s no such thing as knowing too much.

If you are looking for a  Transgender friendly therapist in Long Beach for yourself or your child, please call to set up an appointment.  Please remember that if you are not in driving distance from my office, that I do provide online sessions.  It is sometimes difficult to find a LGBTQI friendly therapist, so we try to accommodate our clients by providing tele-therapy (meaning zoom, etc).