Many clients come into individual therapy trying to figure out how to be a better listener in their relationship. The first step in doing this is to go by the rule of “one mouth, two ears”. Let your ears have double the airtime as your mouth. In other words, LISTEN! Listen more than you talk.
Most clients who come in wanting to figure out what their wife is saying aren’t actually listening to what their wife is asking of them. They get too wrapped up in body language, past hurts, and their own agenda to help resolve the problem at hand. You can bring up your gripes too, just not when your wife is in the middle of bringing up her gripes.
So first, pay attention to body language in terms of if your partner is open (e.g., open/relaxed shoulders) or closed (e.g., arms crossed). Use this as an indicator as to if you might be able to touch them or get close to them when they are talking, but then leave it alone and focus on the words they are telling you. What do you think your spouse might be telling you or asking you?
For example, if they are yelling at you because you always say “I forgot” (to take out trash, pick up groceries, etc.), they probably are sick of hearing you say I’m sorry. The question is: What do they want? They probably want ACTION. So instead of “I’m sorry”, perhaps you can tell them the plan you have to get it done. A plan that you intend to keep! Then you can say something like: “I have set a weekly reminder to take out the trash. Can we set a time on our calendar so we can talk about this next week when I have a chance to do what you are asking me to do? I really want to prove to you that this is important to me and I am sick of saying I’m sorry because you deserve better than words that mean nothing, you deserve action”.
Avoid getting into an argument with your spouse. They don’t need to know all the things you do right which then allows you to ignore this particular thing they are asking you to do.
If you live in California and are looking for a couple’s therapist or you are looking for an individual therapist to help you be a better spouse, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.