How do I support my transgender daughter at school. Written by an LGBTQI therapist in Long Beach

My 7-year-old who was born male wants to go to school wearing a dress, how can I prepare them for reactions while still being supportive of them?

Being a parent is never easy. Being a parent to a child who is trans or nonconforming is even harder, especially in a world where being different is often met with fear and spite.

Nonetheless, it’s important not to restrict a child’s freedom to express themselves. Exploring gender at a young age is healthy and should be supported.

But not everyone understands the importance of this. While you can create a safe haven in your home, a place where your child can feel free to express themself as they wish, you can’t control how the outside world will react.

So, how do you prepare your child for that? How do you make sure they know that there is nothing wrong with them despite the world telling them otherwise?

There are a few important things to remember. First of all, most of the blow back will be from the adults, and it will be towards you.

Adults tend to be more deeply buried in their views of the world, more strict in what they think is right or wrong. Children are creative, open minded in nature; though they may have learned a few negative things from society and from the adults in their lives, they have an amazing capability to learn and to change.

Adults, however, tend to be fixed points. Their view is often more “black and white” type thinking, and they can often be unwilling to change. However, adults often know better than to openly bully a child, especially in front of other adults. While they might ask leading questions in sugary tones to your child — “wouldn’t you be happier in boy’s clothes?” or “don’t you think jeans are more comfortable than all those frills?” — the harshest comments are likely to be directed towards you, or be said about you.

People have a terrible penchant for blaming the parents, and in the case of children who enjoy blurring gender lines and exploring clothing or toys designed for the “opposite gender”, will often assume that their parents influenced them or forced them into it as part of the new “transgender fad”. You will likely be faced with everything from snide comments behind your back, to people asking abhorrent questions such as, “are you trying to make your child turn gay?”

It’s your choice how to respond to these in the moment, but remember that you’re doing what is right for your child, and if your child overhears, make sure to sit them down and talk about it. Pretending it didn’t happen will not make it go away; the best thing to do is MODEL for them how to handle people.  It is also a good idea to sit your child down and explain to them just why what was said was wrong.

That said, it’s quite possible that your child will face some direct bullying. While society is slowly getting better, the world tends to fight change, and people will teach their child the values they themselves grew up with, even if they’ve been proven to be the wrong ones.

Children, especially those who are very young, will often simply repeat what they hear parents say. In these cases, it’s doubly important for you to have taken every opportunity presented to talk to your child about why people think the way they do. While it might feel like a child is too young for such big issues, little minds have huge capacities for understanding; you might be surprised at how quickly they will grasp these concepts.

It’s also important to let your child know they’re not alone. You can join PFLAG and other LGBTQIA+ parent groups; often there will be times to bring your child along, or opportunities to set up play dates between your child and other trans and gender nonconforming kids. You can also show them videos of other children breaking gender roles, girls who play rough sports, boys who learn to do make-up and are into fashion. There are few things as comforting to a child than to know that their ‘different’ doesn’t mean that they’re alone.

But in the end, there is only so much that you can do. There will be times when someone says too much, when a child lashes out, when someone crosses a line and your child comes home ragged and tear-streaked. In those moments, you can only do what every parent does; offer comfort. And remember, as much as children are capable of acceptance, they are equally capable of cruelty, and there will always be some reason they decide to dislike one another. Whether it be because a boy is in a dress, or simply because someone else got the last cookie, there will be arguments and contention. Children find reasons to fight, so restricting a child’s expression will not keep them safe from bullies. It will only make the bullies find something else to focus on, while forcing your child into hiding. So instead, let your child be who they are, and when times get tough, make sure they know you have their back.

If you live in California and are looking for a LGBTQ therapist, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.