Tips on how to spice up my relationship?
I have been a couple’s therapist for over 20 years and one of the things I have noticed is that people stop trying when they are in a long term relationship.
Plan date nights: What is a date? A wife might say she wants more dates with her husband. The husband STEPS IT UP and buys a bike and goes bike riding with her every week because she loves bike riding. A year later she wants a divorce because he doesn’t do anything for her. WHAT HAPPENED? In therapy, we found that she wanted a DATE where they dress up and have a formal date where they act as though they are first dating. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!! Don’t assume you know your spouse. ASK them “would ________ be something you would enjoy doing on a date with me” or “what did I used to do that you liked that I stopped doing?”
Get off of your phone! Many people are either addicted or “sort of addicted” to technology. That is their main focus for a big part of the day. When your spouse is talking to you, either stop looking at your technology and LISTEN or ask them “I’m just in the middle of something and I want to hear what you are saying, can you talk to me in about 5 minutes?” The important part of this tip is going to be to FOLLOW UP with them so that they know that you really meant that you wanted to hear them.
Make eye contact. Because of technology and constantly multitasking, we don’t give our full attention to people in our lives. I would suggest making eye contact with people when they are talking (especially your spouse) to let them know you are paying attention and also so that you can catch non-verbal communication when they are talking. Eye contact also improves connection between two people so looking at your spouse in the eyes when they are saying something difficult will automatically help the situation, even if it helps by a small amount.
Prioritize your relationship. When people have been married for a while, they assume that their spouse will always be around so they prioritize other things in front of their relationship. I’m not saying that you have to stop everything in your life because your spouse needs something, but be aware of how much effort you spend on connecting with your spouse compared to the effort you spend on friends, work, and other important things in your life. If you are constantly rescheduling time with your spouse or coming home late all the time because you are hanging with friends, then your relationship might start to slip.
Hang out with friends. It is important to prioritize yoru relationship, but it is also important to balance your own time. Make sure that you do have some time to hang out with your own friends and participate in your own self-care so that you can be there 100% for your spouse. It’s the same idea as they tell you on airplanes: “put your own oxygen mask on before you can help anyone else”.
Get therapy. If you are struggling in your relationship, think about couples therapy. If you spouse doesn’t want to go, think about going by yourself so that you can make sure you are doing everything within your power to give your relationship your best self! The best couples therapist is the one who you and your spouse feel most comfortable with. So interview a few therapists on the phone to make sure you feel that the person who you are talking to is going to be the best couples therapist for your relationship.