Oftentimes when a partner is caught cheating, they don’t know how to go about rebuilding the relationship and so they often make the situation even worse with their words and actions.
As a couple’s therapist in Long Beach, I have worked for over 20 years with couples on repairing their relationship after infidelity and I have also worked with individuals on both ends of the infidelity (the person who cheated and also the person who was cheated on).
Here are some tips based on my experience working with couples:
Decide If You Want To Stay In this Relationship
It may seem obvious, but it is really important to figure out why you cheated and if you want to stay in your relationship. Many people cheat because they get 80% of their needs from their partner but the “other person” made up for that other 20%. I would tell you to think about if you want THIS CURRENT relationship first before you decide upon another person. Often times, when people choose to leave their relationship for the person they cheated with, it doesn’t work out because when they settle in with their new relationship and find out that this new person only meets 80% of their needs, they start the cycle of cheating all over again.
Understand That One Person Cannot Meet 100% of Your Needs
It is important for you to understand that every single person out there offers a “package” of good and bad traits into a relationship. No one person can meet every single one of your needs and so when you leave one relationship because all of your needs aren’t being met, there is a very high probability you will face this same challenge in your next relationship. It is important to figure out which 20% of needs you are okay not being met by your partner and look for a friend to meet those needs. Unless you are in an open relationship, then the 20% that you are looking for elsewhere really needs to be non-intimate needs. For example: You love watching movies and your partner doesn’t so you find a friend to watch movies with.
If you aren’t okay with this concept, perhaps think about a polyamorous relationship or an open relationship. Although your current partner might not be on board with this, it is an okay option. Having multiple partners isn’t the issue; The issue is having multiple partners when you have an agreement with your current partner to be monogamous.
Own it!
I get couples in therapy all the time where the cheating partner will say “I’m sorry, but….” And then goes on to tell how it’s actually their partners fault that they cheated. Even if your partner hasn’t wanted intimacy or perhaps your partner has been emotionally unavailable, it is your job to bring that up and work on that in your relationship and NOT your job to get your needs met elsewhere (unless you talk with your partner about this beforehand).
Even though the cheating spouse might not mean to say it in this way (“I’m sorry, but…), it comes out this way and causes the partner who was cheated on to shut down.
It is important that you take complete responsibility for your actions. If you want an open relationship, that is totally okay, but you have to voice that to your partner BEFORE and avoid opening up your relationship without permission from your partner. Although they may not be okay with it, then you can choose to leave or stay based on this communication.
Be Supportive
If you cause someone to have an issue, it’s not fair to micromanage how they deal with that issue. If you spill cranberry juice all over someone’s nice beige couch, you wouldn’t’ tell them how they are cleaning it up wrong and if they had given you a bigger cup, then you wouldn’t have spilled. NO, you take responsibility and work on THEIR time frame and in THEIR way. If you think you are receiving a punishment that you don’t deserve, then seek out a therapist who can help you navigate this. Don’t just add salt to the wound.
Find A Therapist
If you cheated on your partner, then most likely you are either lacking in communication skills or you feel like your partner listens to you or care about your needs. Not only would I recommend couples therapy (if your partner agrees), but I would highly recommend individual therapy so that you can learn communication skills, figure out what you were missing in your relationship, and determine if this is the relationship for you.
At Long Beach Therapy, we believe the best couple’s therapist is the one that both members of the couple feel safe with. That’s why we have several options for couple’s therapists at Long Beach Therapy for you to choose from. Check us out to see if you feel like we would be the best couple’s therapist for you and your partner. We offer virtual couple’s therapy as well as in-person couple’s therapy.