6 tips for making your relationship work
In the 25+ years I have been doing couples therapy, I have learned that people continually grow in their life and if their relationship doesn’t grow with them, then it is more likely to encounter problems. Here are some tips to avoid those problems.
Talk about everything:
Your partner should be someone you can share just about anything with, as long as you say it in a kind way. The more you share with each other, the more you get to know each other and the more supportive you can be for one another. If you don’t feel like there are things you can talk to your partner about, this could be a red flag and something you talk to a therapist about.
Don’t get stuck on being right:
Being right doesn’t make your relationship better. Understanding each other’s perspective makes your relationship better. Identify things you can let go of and don’t constantly battle to be right. When you want to be right, you want to win and that means that your partner has to lose. There are many ways to do something and just because you have a different way than your partner, doesn’t always mean you are right.
Ask questions:
Make sure that every single day that you are asking about your partners day. Then put down your phone, turn off the TV (and all other devices) and make eye contact and LISTEN. Don’t give your opinion or what you think should have been different, just listen.
Grow together:
It is important that you both focus on growing together to stay connected. Make sure to have a date night every week or two and have 20-30 or more minutes per day where you turn off all screens and all distractions and connect with each other (play cards, give a massage, ask about their day AND LISTEN).
Grow individually:
Do things with your friends without your partner and allow your partner to do the same. When you have your 20-30 minutes together that next day, talk about your experiences while you were apart. This gives your partner a chance to see life through your perspective without as much judgement (because they weren’t there and they have to fully rely on your perspective). When couples do everything together, there is less to share because you assume that your partner had the same perspective as you had.
Get therapy:
Some of the healthiest and happiest couples I know go to therapy every 4-8 weeks. It’s not because they have problems, it is so they can check in with each other, make sure they are both feeling connected in their relationship, and taking time to get new communication tools from a professional couple’s therapist so they can continue to feed their relationship. People take their cars in to get service (oil changes, tires rotated) several times per year, but they don’t spend the same effort on their relationship. No one would be surprised if your car broke down after not getting an oil change for 10 years, but people are surprised when their relationship fails after 10 years of no maintained work.
At Long Beach Therapy, we believe the best couple’s therapist is the one that both members of the couple feel safe with. That’s why we have several options for couple’s therapists at Long Beach Therapy for you to choose from. Check us out to see if you feel like we would be the best couple’s therapist for you and your partner.
If you live in California and are looking for a couple’s therapist, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.