6 Things To Do Before Breaking Up:
Have you ever witnessed someone who speaks one language and they are trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak the same language? Oftentimes the person will start yelling or talking louder with the thought that the person can’t HEAR them, when the problem is actually that the person doesn’t UNDERSTAND them (even if they want to understand).
This happens all the time in therapy because we all speak “different languages” (so to speak). We all mean different things when we say things like “be there in a minute”. Sometimes that means an actual minute and sometimes that means longer.
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Schedule a Conversation:
Tell your partner that you want to schedule a conversation with them to talk about things you are unhappy with. When you “schedule” something it sounds serious and because you are thinking of breaking up, IT IS SERIOUS. This also gives them a chance to be fully present because they have cleared their schedule and aren’t distracted when talking.
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No devices:
When the time comes for your “appointment” to talk with your partner, ask them to silence their phone and show them that you are doing the same. Not only does this reinforce the seriousness of the conversation, but you will also be more likely to get their full attention. If they give excuses why they can’t silence their phone, ask them to schedule a different time with you when they can silence their phone.
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Have An Open Dialogue without yelling or belittling:
Be kind, but honest. Let them know “I know that the dishes being piled up in the sink seems minor to you, but it is adding up for me and I am seriously thinking that this relationship isn’t going to last because I can’t ever really relax”. You are letting them know that you are thinking about breaking up so that if you do break up, it isn’t a surprise. You are also letting them know that they have an opportunity to change. **Even if you have told them this before a million times, your partner might not hear you for many different reasons. For example, if you raise your voice or yell at them, they might just assume that you have had a bad day and don’t take what you are saying seriously.
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Active Listening:
Listening to your partner is equally important as speaking. Make an effort to truly listen to what your partner’s is saying because often times listening to what they are saying will provide you with resolutions. If they can tell you why they behave in a certain way, sometimes solutions can be figured out.
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Empathy:
Show empathy towards your partner’s emotions, even if you are exhausted by their behaviors. When people believe they are being heard and shown empathy, they are much more likely to change.
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Schedule an Appointment with a Therapist:
A therapist is trained in communication. Oftentimes, as a therapist, I find myself acting more like a translator than anything else because people communicate in such different ways. It is a cool experience as a therapist when I see a couple who finally “gets” what their partner has been trying to say and then resolutions are made.
If you live in California and are looking for a couple’s therapist, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.