Why is my partner surprised that I am “breaking up out of the blue”?
As a licensed therapist, I have the privilege of helping my clients navigate the issues within their relationships. One issue that comes up a lot is when one partner expresses a desire to break up, and the other partner is left surprised and bewildered and truly doesn’t understand why they are being broken up with.
When you are having issues in your relationship, it is important to communicate the critical nature of what you need, before you are completely done and the only answer seems to be to break up.
One of the main reasons why a partner would be so surprised is that Partner A (the one wanting the breakup) believes they have communicated clearly, over and over again, their unhappiness and Partner B (who is getting broken up with) doesn’t ever change (or will change for a short time and then resume the annoying or unwanted behavior). This often happens because Partner B believes that it is an irritation or annoyance that Partner A is feeling and doesn’t fully understand that Partner A is at the brink of leaving.
In these situations, effective communication becomes paramount because oftentimes Partner A doesn’t want to break up, but they are so tired in the relationship that by the time Partner B realizes how very serious the issues are, it is too late to change because Partner A is “done”.
Here are some common reasons why a partner may express a desire to break up:
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Unmet Needs:
Your partner may have unmet emotional or physical needs that they feel aren’t being taken seriously and they cannot take it one more day.
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Lack of Communication:
When communication within the relationship is strained or ineffective, it can be challenging for someone to express their feelings and needs to their partner. This can lead to a buildup of unresolved issues, which oftentimes will build up until there is only one answer: “It is time to break up”.
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Growing Apart:
People change and grow over time and oftentimes, one partner feels that they have outgrown the relationship and/or their values and goals no longer align with their partner’s values and goals.
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Conflict Avoidance:
Many people don’t feel comfortable with conflict so they tend to avoid. In these situations, they often expect their partner to guess their needs “because if they love me and know me, then they will (magically) know that I am unhappy”. In reality, most partners don’t just get it and need to be told clearly and kindly.
Click here for some tips to consider BEFORE you tell your partner that you want to break up.
At Long Beach Therapy, we help couples and individuals navigate these issues so that when they are at the critical stage of deciding whether to break up, they can do it with no regrets in a way that might possibly make them want to actually save their relationship.
For more information about how to schedule an appointment with a licensed couples therapist in Long Beach (or California), please call: 562-310-9741.