What to say to someone when is grieving (and what not to say when someone is grieving):
Most of the time I have a client who has experience a recent loss of a loved one, they will talk about how frustrating it is when people are trying to “help”. Oftentimes that help comes with good intentions that really hurt the grieving person.
Here is a list of what to say and what to not say when your loved one is experiencing a loss:
6 things to say/do to help a grieving person:
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No words:
First know that there are no words that are going to make the grief better. Oftentimes people say things to grieving people to make themselves feel better because they somehow have helped. In actuality, a grieving person often just needs to have someone to sit with, watch TV with, to bring them a meal, and/or to call to check on them so they aren’t feeling alone.
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“I’m sorry for your loss.”
Just acknowledging their pain and grief is usually enough in terms of what to say.
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“I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I am here for you.”
When someone is grieving, they often feel alone. Letting them know that you are there for them is powerful.
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“Do you want to talk about what you are experiencing?”
This lets the person have the permission to talk or not talk and to grieve in their own way.
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Check on them AFTER everything has quieted down.
At first, the grieving person is busy with funeral arrangements, memorials and with people stopping by, calling and visiting. When everyone else goes back to their regular lives, the grieving person is left alone with their grief. THAT is when they need the support the most.
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Other things you can say:
“I love you”
“Would you like some company”
“Do you need any errands done that I can help with”
What NOT to say to a grieving person:
1. “Don’t worry, it will get better in time.”
This often makes the person grieving feel that you are implying that in time, they won’t care anymore about their loved one and so they will be just fine.
2. “You have such a huge support system, so you will get through it.”
Although that may be true, it is not helpful. No person is replaceable and when you lose someone you care about, it doesn’t matter if you have 100 other amazing people, it doesn’t soften the blow.
3. “I know how you feel.”
Even if your friend has lost their paternal grandfather and you literally just lost your paternal grandfather, you do not know how THEY feel. You know how YOU feel, but not how they feel. Every relationship is different, every loss is different and everyone experiences things differently
4. “Everything happens for a reason.”
This leaves the grieving person feeling invalidated because when you are actually grieving a loved one, there is no good reason that they have been taken from you.
If you or someone you know if grieving the loss of a loved one and want support from a therapist trained in grief and loss, please call us at Long Beach Therapy at 562-310-9741.