6 tips to spice up a lesbian relationship (how to overcome lesbian bed death)
I am a therapist in Long Beach specializing in couples counseling in lesbian relationships. If you want to contact me to ask questions or set up a therapy appointments, you can text/call: 562-310-9741.
One thing to remember is that our society socializes men to be initiators of sex. In the average heterosexual relationship, there is most likely one person who was socialized to be the initiator (the male) and those couples tend to have sex approximately 1x/week. With gay men, they have two potential people in the relationship initiating sex, so their average “times per week” of having sex is more.
I’m sure you can guess where the data lands on lesbian relationships. Since there isn’t someone in the relationship that was socialized to be the initiator, lesbians tend to have less sex than both heterosexual couples and gay men.
So, what are lesbians supposed to do?
Spicing up a lesbian relationship is similar to spicing up any other relationship, but takes more of a conscious effort. Lesbians have more of the emotional connection down, but need to be much more creative and put more effort into their sex lives.
Tip 1: Use expert knowledge:
Bring this blog post to your girlfriend/wife and read it with her. Ask if she would be willing to try some of these things.
TIP 2: Using the dice method
Dig out 2 dice from that board game you never play (you can also use post-it notes). Talk to your partner about what each number means. 1 might be: there is not even a little chance I will be in the mood. 6 might be: Watch out, because I’m wanting to have sex NOW. Sit down with your partner and discuss what the other numbers will mean.
Put the dice (or post-it notes) somewhere you will both see it. Change your number throughout the day to let your partner know how “into” sex you would be at that very moment. If your partner is at a 5 or 6, it’s your job to initiate. If your wife is at a 3, ask them what it would take to get them to a higher number.
TIP 3: Get an emotional reading:
Women often need to have their emotions taken care of before they can get in the mood to have sex. Ask about their day, ask how you can support them, ask if they would want to snuggle with you (do the dishes).
TIP 4: Getting the mood right:
Talk about what gets you in the mood. Ask your partner what gets them in the mood too? Lesbians tend to struggle with codependence and don’t want to initiate something that their partner wouldn’t feel comfortable with. So, ask them what gets them in the mood. A massage, making out, and/or doing body art are a few things that often helps. Obviously, if they aren’t in the mood, then nothing will happen.
TIP 5: Be vulnerable
Talk to each other about what you like and what you don’t like in bed. Lesbians tend to be more focused on emotions and not as focused about what they like or their partner likes. There was a movie a long time ago called “Chasing Amy”. In one of the scenes the character described that having sex is like being an air traffic controller (the people who hold those orange light up wands at the airport bringing planes in). You have to tell them left, right, faster, slower, touch here, touch there. Eventually, they will know what you like.
TIP 6: Find a lesbian couple’s counselor
Find a couple’s therapist who specializes in lesbian relationships. At Long Beach Therapy, we work with lesbian couples to spice up their sex life. We teach communication skills, help work through past issues/trauma, hurt feelings and lesbian codependency that leads to lesbian bed death. If you want to set up an appointment at Long Beach Therapy, call us at 562-310-9741 or go to our bookings page to find a therapist at Long Beach Therapy: https://longbeachtherapy.com/new-client-booking/
