Why Do Victims Of Sexual Assault Blame Themselves?
If you think about it, BLAME it is a very powerful thing. Sexual assault is all about the perpetrator having power and control over their victim. It has NOTHING to do with love or sex. It is about a perpetrator taking control over someone else’s body. The act of forcing someone to have sex with them is a turn on for a perpetrator. Consensual intercourse isn’t a turn on for them. It is the power and control they are looking for. So what about the blame? Think about it… If a victim is to blame for the sexual assault it means they did something wrong which resulted in their sexual assault. That would then mean, that they could avoid it from ever happening again (which unfortunately not true). I am a female and I have a daughter. I would LOVE for this to be true (even though it is NOT true). If I know to wear sweat pants everywhere (no skirts!), never go out at night, and never ________ (fill in the blank), then I can avoid an assault and that would be wonderful. In this false world, I could be 100% sure my daughter would never be a victim. However, THIS IS NOT TRUE. People get assaulted in broad daylight, wearing sweat pants, people get assaulted even after not taking a shower that day, not wearing make-up, not saying “yes”…. But if a victim can believe it is their fault, then they can also believe they can have power and control over their lives if they follow a few simple rules and then they are safe. I wish this was true. But it is not true. BLAME allows a victim to have false hope and false power that they can avoid getting assaulted in the future, but that is simply not true.
Often times perpetrators tell their victims “I know you wanted it, because you let me in to your apartment” or “You said yes and I just couldn’t stop, so it is really your fault”. In this way, the perpetrator is reinforcing what the victim may already want to believe (so that they can have power). I worked at the probation department and my experience there is parallel to the research out there re: perpetrators. Perpetrators of rape/ sexual assault know that they will be “having sex” with their victim whether or not the victim agrees. It is often preplanned by the attacker. Victims are not to blame.
If you are a family member or friend of a victim of sexual assault, please BELIEVE THEM!! Approximately 95%-98% of people saying that they were sexually assaulted are telling the truth. That is the same percentage as for other victims of felonies. Victims don’t tend to lie. Being sexually assaulted is embarrassing and victims already know that many people will blame them. When family and friends don’t believe a victim it often re-traumatizes them and causes even more damage on top of what they are already dealing with from the perpetrator.
If you are a survivor of sexual assault, please get help!! If you need a trauma counselor in Long Beach, call me at 562-310-9741. If you aren’t ready to come in to therapy, check out this website RAIINN. They have a 24 hour hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673) so you can get help right away. Also know that you can qualify for free therapy through victims compensation (call me and I can give you information on this, even if you decide to not come in to therapy with me).