The Affects Of Domestic Violence On Children made worse during COVID

This blog post is written for all the domestic violence victims who are being forced to be locked in the house with their perpetrators due to COVID.   For all the victims who are getting attacked more often because it is more difficult to keep a “perfect” house and keep the kids quiet on day 150+ of quarantine.   This is also written for the teachers, administrators, and friends of victims out there as a way to educate you and help you recognize domestic violence as well as how to help out a victim.   My apologies that this is a longer than usual blog post, but I wanted to give as much information as possible.

**Tip: Your house will never be perfect and it is impossible to keep kids quiet inside a house for any amount of time.  Just in case you are being told otherwise by your perpetrator.

**There are links at the bottom of this blog post for victims of domestic violence.**

First, let me make sure this is clear: Domestic violence is never okay.  No matter if it is physical abuse, hurtful words, emotional abuse or sexual abuse, domestic violence is never acceptable behavior.  No matter if the victim is too quiet, too loud, pushes buttons during fights, tries to accommodate during fights, has sex after getting yelled at to show themselves that everything is okay, it is NEVER NEVER NEVER the victims fault.  Domestic violence is NEVER okay in any circumstance,  but it’s even more outrageous and ugly when there are children involved.  Even if the abuse is taking place in a different room or after children have gone to bed, these children know what’s going on. Children are extremely perceptive and even if they are not seeing the abuse, they can hear the abuse and/or sense the abuse.  This in turn will cause irreparable damage to these children over a long period of time.  In many cases, the violence eventually is carried out on them, as well, and the violent relationship is unspeakably evil.

Even the when the government gets involved, kids who were never in the room when the domestic violence occurred is qualified for free therapy.  Why is this?  Because even though the government tries to limit the amount of spending in every situation possible, they see that kids are always effected and they see the need to get kids in therapy at no cost.  In California, a victim of domestic violence (and their children) has protections and help available under the law.  These include help with free therapy sessions through the Victims Compensation, which usually includes 40 free therapy sessions with any therapist that the victims wants to see.  Kids automatically get therapy sessions, even if they weren’t in the room when it happened.

Again, not just seeing the violence happening, hearing it and perceiving what is going on causes more emotional damage than anyone else can even imagine.  This emotional damage will also affect these children for the rest of their lives. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen children who tell me about things their parents had no idea they were exposed to.

All children need to have a safe and healthy place to live and grow in.  When there is domestic violence surrounding them, each and every day, it’s impossible to feel anything but terror of the next violent incident.

What if your child witnesses one act of violence, whether physical or emotional?  It only takes one incident for that child’s mind to start spinning out of total fear.  Whether witnessing a visual event or hearing it going on, it will set off a permanent fear immediately with each event.  Even if a child does not hear or see an abusive incident, they are going to see the after effects.  They want to know why mommy has a black eye, a broken nose or why is mommy always crying.  Their perception will pickup on the immense tension within the home along with the tension between the parents when they are in the same room together.  Often this effects a child’s perception of what a relationship is supposed to be like.  They will be much more likely to choose a partner when they grow up that is abusive.  Not because they like it or want it, but because it is what they know and they are used to.

The Signs Of Children In Violent Homes:

Children usually are not able to tell someone what they are feeling but their body language and actions will show their constant suffering.  In school, teachers need to be perceptive and question why a child flinches with every sound or has apparently gone without any sleep (perhaps falling asleep in class).  Neighbors, teachers, friends, law enforcement all must be perceptive to the reactions and overall appearance of children and whether it’s abnormal.  Children in abusive families may also start acting up such as throwing tantrums and becoming overly needy in ways that were not present before. On the other hand, they could also try to be the perfect child, hoping that if they are perfect, their parents will be so proud of them and become happy and stop fighting.  Children also believe that they are the cause of troubles their parents are having and also often believe that they can help their parents by either creating a distraction (with misbehavior), saving their parent (by becoming the abused person instead of their parent being abused) or by being perfect (so everyone is happy).

A child who is either being abused or watching abuse will often go to the abuser looking to please that parent and find safety.  There are many other signs displayed by children that reveal a child’s close association with domestic violence.

Children that show these behaviors will start acting up outside of the home, such as in a class room, a friends home or out in public.  It’s easy for adults to just write it off as a child going through a phase or just acting up.  A child who is living in a domestic violent home, if left untreated, will escalate and it will carry through to into their adult lives.  Children learn from their parents and usually adopt many of their parents habits.  If a child is living in a domestically violent home, is seeing abuse constantly, there is a strong possibility the violence they grew up with will continue on through them in their own relationships.

Seeking Help From Therapists:

At some point, it’s imperative that the abused, the abuser and the children disengage from the entire situation and each other. Seeking out and talking to a therapist can help them over the emotional roller coaster that exists in such a horrible environment.

Should law enforcement or other authorities become aware of domestic violence, the children might very well be removed from the home and from both parents.  Whether this knowledge comes from a friend, one of the children themselves or through their school, there will be no negotiations.  Removed from the abuser is obvious, but if the victim of the abuse did not report these incidents or get the children to a new, safe home, the children will taken from them as well.  It’s called “failure to protect” and courts frown very badly on these parents as well.

The victim of abuse must, above and beyond all else, take certain steps and make sure their children are removed from the situation and are in a safe place. In many cases, if the victim is seeking therapy and trying to figure out how to get out of the abusive relationship, they are more likely to keep their children.  Authorities see this as a victim looking for a better tomorrow and trying to learn how to protect their children.

Domestic violence seems to have grown over the years.  Kids living in these situations are usually in a very bad place with very little hope unless the victimized parent gets them out quickly.  Unfortunately, left unnoticed, this kind of violence gets past down from generation to generation. If you are in an abusive situation or know someone who is, get help, offer support but do not ignore the situation by believing it’s none of your business, it’s everyone’s business.

If you and/or your children are living in domestic violence, please call and get an appointment. You and your children’s safety are paramount and you cannot wait.

How can I help if I know a family where domestic violence might be happening:

1. Be patient:  It takes the “average” domestic violence victim 8 times of leaving and returning to the violence before finally leaving for good.  That means that some victims leave after the first time and other’s leave after the 100th time.  Be patient with them.  They are afraid and they need people they know will be there even if those people disagree with how long they have stayed or how many chances they have given the perpetrator.
2. Know the facts: On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence. Studies suggest that there is a relationship between intimate partner violence and depression and suicidal behavior.
3. Have compassion: IMAGINE being knocked down so hard (physically or emotionally), knowing that if you leave you might lose your house, your financial security, you will have to fight tooth and nail to keep your kids away from the violence, and your way out is most likely going to uproot every bit of normalcy that you and your children have.
4. If you are willing to help, then HELP: Most people want to offer help on their own terms.  When you are helping someone who is trying to leave a domestic violence situation, there are so many more intricacies than you can even imagine.  They need to put everything into place so the situation is the safest it can possibly be to leave.
5. Educate yourself: Read up on domestic violence, check out statistics and facts, CALL A HOTLINE yourself to get information that could be helpful (such as how to create a safety plan to leave a domestic violence situation, where can the person go once they leave, is there any space available in local shelters today, where can the person go if all of the shelters are full).
6. LISTEN!!!!  You may know all about healthy relationships and you may have read up on domestic violence, but just as you can’t learn how to ride a bike unless you are physically on a bike, you will NEVER truly know what it is like to be abused unless you have been physically in a domestic violence situation yourself.  You don’t have to have all the right words or all the right answers, you just need to listen!!   Most of the times, perpetrators talk the victim into believing that no one cares, no one believes them, and eventually this tactic works and the victims entire support network is gone.  DON’T do this to them.  Be there, listen, let them know that even if there are long periods of time that you don’t see them or hear from them, that YOU WILL BE THERE the moment they call you.

Here are some helpful links:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

Apply for Victims Compensation: Applying is easy.   You can fill out the paperwork online and fax it to them OR you can go down to the district attorney’s office and someone will sit and do the paperwork with you.  https://victims.ca.gov/victims/howtoapply.aspx

What is covered by Victims Compensation: Therapy sessions are paid for (for you and your kids), help with medical expenses, help with moving costs, and more. https://victims.ca.gov/victims/coverage.aspx