How to improve communication in my relationship?
Keeping your side of the street clean in relationships:
I talk a lot about “keeping your side of the street clean”. What I mean by this is that if you were on a reality TV show and there was a camera and audio on YOU but no one else, behave so that people wouldn’t think you are a jerk when they have no perspective on anyone else’s behavior.
Tips on keeping your side of the street clean:
1. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU:
Your behavior should depend upon your morals and your character, not on anyone else’s. You are the only one responsible for your behavior. That’s why I use the reality TV show example. Many people rationalize or excuse their own behavior because of what someone else was doing. At the end of the day (or at the end of your relationship), you have to live with YOUR behaviors, not anyone else’s. It’s much easier to have a clear view of if you want someone in your life if your behaviors haven’t clouded the situation.
2. BRING UP ONE TOPIC AT A TIME.
When your partner or roommate tells you that they are frustrated that you never clean your dishes, don’t come back with them with “well, you never take out the trash”. Talk about their concern and bring up your concern at a different time (this is often called “throw everything in but the kitchen sink” because instead of addressing their concern, you are bringing up other issues to deflect from their concern. Maybe if you cleaned your dishes, they would take out the trash.
3. IF YOU DID IT, THEN OWN IT.
Apologize and make a genuine attempt to change. If you aren’t wanting/willing to change, be honest about it. Don’t pretend you are going to change and then never change.
4. BE DIRECT AND KIND:
If you have an issue with someone, make sure to be direct, but kind. For example, if you feel like you are the only one cleaning up the house, saying “I would like to go over the chores list because I think we are neglecting certain chores and I would prefer us each have chores so that we don’t miss a chore” rather than “you never do chores”. Instead of “you are always going out with your friends and don’t care about me”, saying “I miss you and I’m jealous of your time with your friends. Can we schedule some time to hang out?”
If you need help with any of these things, contact a therapist who can give you tips and review problematic experiences that you have had so that you can work on keeping your side of the street clean. Often times there are underlying (deeper) issues than the topic at hand. A therapist can help you resolve some of those issues so that they don’t keep creating roadblocks to your relationships and friendships.