Boundaries are limits that you set with other people in your life. This includes family, friends, co-workers and even includes strangers/acquaintances. Many people feel taken advantage of in their lives and when we take a closer look in therapy, people are indeed walking all over them, but sometimes it is because they present themselves as being a doormat and you can’t blame someone for walking on a doormat (can you?).
For example: You go out with your group of friends every week to dinner and you are never the one who chooses where to go and you are upset about this. Although it would be nice if they asked you, they might also assume that you don’t have an opinion because you never say “lets go here for dinner next week…”. If you haven’t expressed what you want, you can’t assume people will know that you have a preference.
Boundaries are important because when you believe that someone treats you like a doormat, there will most likely come a time in your relationship with them where you blow up and tell them all the things they do to take advantage of you (or you perhaps take a passive aggressive approach) and the friendship ends all because they had no idea you had a preference and you have been upset this whole time thinking they don’t care. Perhaps they don’t care, but give them the chance to prove that they do care by telling them what you want/need.
How to figure out what your boundaries should be:
(1) Make a decision as to what you want your life to look like and what you want tolerate from other people and what you won’t tolerate.
(2) Identify who you want in your life and accepting those people for who they are and what they are able to offer.
If you have someone in your life who makes you feel uncomfortable, you have to figure out if it is something you need to work on (tolerating others) or is it that they aren’t respectful of you and you need to set boundaries or leave relationship.
(3) Evaluating what a person has to offer and prioritize them accordingly.
For example: If being on time is very important to you and your friend is always late then you have options. You can schedule time to hang out with them when you won’t be upset if they are late. Perhaps invite them over when you have other things to do which can be stopped easily if they arrive on time. This way you are almost a little disappointed when they are on time because you were just reading a book or cleaning up the bedroom.
(4) Meet up with a therapist who can help you figure out what you want your boundaries to be and how to set those boundaries with others.
If you live in California and are looking for a therapist, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741. We offer in-person therapy and virtual therapy (online therapy).