How do I decide whether to come out to my family?
Written by a LGBTQ therapist in Long Beach.
Recent years have seen increased national attention to gay and lesbian issues from California’s Prop 8 and the HOH8 campaigns to, most recently, full federal rights to marry. However, it’s a misconception that these events have made it easier for everyone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or queer to come out to their families and friends. Even in Los Angeles, which is one of “America’s gayest cities”, bigotry, intimidation, and hate crimes do occur.
We may be paying more attention to these issues, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone is more accepting, so it can still be difficult to come out to family and friends. Responses range from a fully supportive “I’ve always known, and I love you just as much” to “get out of my house and don’t ever come around here again”. Some have come home after coming out and found their belongings tossed out in the yard and the locks changed, while others have been grateful to finally be able to introduce their significant other to their families and be honest about the nature of the relationship.
If you’re not sure how your family, friends, or other people you come into contact with might react, consider the following:
- You can get an idea about how they’ll react to you by paying attention to what they have to say about gay and lesbian being able to marry in all 50 states, gay pride, or other LGBTQI people, events, or issues. Are their comments hateful, open, or encouraging?
- What will you do if they completely disown you? Are you able to be financially independent? Do you have somewhere you can go? It’s not comfortable to think about, but is important to think about.
- Establish a network of people who you know will be supportive. Look for people who are either part of the community, have friends who are, or those who react positively to the issues.
- Don’t know anyone who seems supportive? Contact a local LGBTQI community center to find a support group. If you’re in Los Angeles, the contact information is: 1625 Schrader Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028 (323) 993-7400
- Find a PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) meeting. These meetings are filled with supportive people, some of whom will be straight people near the age of your parents. They can offer advice on how and when (or even if) to come out to your families. Visit pflag.org to find a group near you.
- Consider talking to a professional about your decision. Look for an LGBTQI friendly therapist. Before making an appointment, interview the therapist for a few minutes to decide whether they seem LGBTQI friendly. If you’re having trouble finding someone, call or email me. I’ll be happy to help you by either being your therapist or finding you one you feel comfortable with.
If you live in California and are looking for a LGBTQ therapist, please give us a call at Long Beach Therapy: 562-310-9741.