When someone leaves your existence, it is a gut punch like no other. Simple things like someone random at the supermarket asking you “how’s your day” causes a welling of tears and may cause a full-on crying spell. Anything that reminds you of the person can cause tears to start flowing. You may spend your time alternating between distracting yourself, crying and perhaps some other healthy/unhealthy coping strategies. They say time heals all wounds, but I would disagree when it comes to grief. I think in time you will get used to the living with the loss, but the hole that is left by grief doesn’t ever fill back up completely. I honestly believe though that making believe that you are the same after a loss is disrespectful to the relationship you had with the person you lost. Instead of thinking “will I be the same again”, it is important to ask yourself “how can I be happy again?”.
Getting back to a space where you can be happy, healthy and functional takes some work, but it is possible. Here are some tips:
1. Use the person you lost as inspiration. They aren’t here anymore, but you can dedicate parts of your life to them. Make them proud! Go do things you liked to do together. It will be hard, but it is something that can lead to healing.
2. Be honest with yourself and your loved ones about how you feel. The longer you lie to yourself that everything is fine, the longer it will take you to process your feelings which will eventually help you to heal. When you are fine, you will know it. When you are not fine and you are lying to yourself, you will also know it.
3. Reach out for help. Even if you text someone “I’m not in the mood for talking but I just needed to tell you I am having a tough day” or “I’m not up for talking but I would love for you to come over and just sit with me or watch a movie with me”.
4. Make sure to eat! It is important that you take care of your own health even if you don’t feel like it.
5. Don’t feel like you have to be the “strong one”. It is okay to feel and it is okay to cry and it is okay to miss the person who is no longer with you.
6. Connect with other people who knew the person. Telling stories and keeping their memory alive through those stories can be very healing.
7. Distract yourself. Examples: Watch a movie, listen to music, go for a walk, or clean the house.
8. Familiarize yourself with “Kubler and Ross Stages of Grief” (simple google search) so that you know that your anger, depression, and other experiences are a normal part of grieving.
9. Go to a grief and loss group (often times agencies offer these for free).
10. If the grief becomes unbearable, you start having behavior problems, or your grief lasts longer than you think is usual, it is important to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with and utilize the appointments to process your experience of loss, get ideas on how to move through the loss and allow yourself to get out your feelings (we have plenty of tissues!).